Control

Why do I have to feel like I need to control every thing. I can think and try so hard to say some thing in a way that truly allows freedom of choice to the person I may be talking to. But, I seem to always fall into a pattern of trying to control the out come or their choice.

I am not sure where it comes from. If I think back to my younger years, I remember times when I had control of myself taken from me, by my mother, teachers,and other kids. Some of those times where truly terrifying to me. I think, that as i got older, I never truly learned how to deal appropriately with those times.

I know in my heart, I can not control any one. I can't even control myself at times. Just want to have the right tools to deal with myself when things don't go the way I want them to.

Instances where, when I was a child I had no control over me. Elementary school; locked in closet for long periods of time, belittled by teachers. Home; if I upset my mother to badly she would beat on me pretty had, one time I was in the kitchen trash curled up in a ball, with her kicking me, I remember begging her to stop. She did, and realized what she had done, and apologized to me. I know she did not intend for that to happen. I believe, this is also a pattern I have used in my own life. Losing control, and coming back latter, with apologies, heart felt and meant, but, then repeated again later down the road. I need to chose to stop these destructive patterns of behavior be for it costs me more than I have already lost.

Now, how do I stop? There must be a sign, that I can pick uup on that will alert me to the red flag. I just need to figure out what it is.