I have begun to realize that I have a great deal of anger down deap inside. I have hurt those I love, like the woman, I was to make my second wife. How can I expect to have a happy life with any one, if at any moment. I am going to hurt them with viscous words or anger from out of no where. I need to figure out where this shit is coming from.
I broke up with my girl friend, the day before Thanksgiving, because I had convinced myself that she intentionally betrayed me with a lie. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I now realize, that the only reason she lied was to get me to stop hounding her about her weed use. I could've handled it and a great many other things in a much different why. What that way is, I am not sure.
I hope to uncover what ever it is in me that feels like a wounded animal, and leads me to this, fight or flight response.I need to find it. Else, I will never be happy with myself and no one else will ever be able to be happy with me.
Today, for instance. I became so angry, I struck out at one of the men I work with. He was in the wrong. But, the rage that I felt, was so far over the line, it scarred me. In my marriage, I had many moments like this, I now understand why my wife, some times feared me, and my children. Thankfully it was verbal for the most part and no one ever really got hurt. I hate feeling these types of emotions, and they do truly scare me.
I have to get control of the beast that is in me. Find his triggers, and disengage them, or I will be lost forever. Not only to myself, but to my family and children.
